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ESPECIAL DE NATAL PORTA DOS FUNDOS

ESPECIAL DE NATAL PORTA DOS FUNDOS

ESPECIAL DE NATAL PORTA DOS FUNDOS I DIDNT KNOW WE WERE HAVING GUESTS JOSEPH 0:20 Leave it to me, Ill do the talk. Leave it to me, Im cool. Are you sure? I am.

Hes coming, hes coming. Hes coming. Focus.

Mary, dont look him in the eye. Mary? I didnt know we were having guests today. Joseph, we need to talk. Did something happen?

Im pregnant. Thats wonderful news, honey! Kind of, lets try to understand things first.

Then well see what happens. You are? Im Gabriel, here.

Unarmed, Im cool, just talking to you. Okay? Whats going on here?

Joseph, its not your child. What? I told you not to say it like that. Calm down, man!

Calm down! Calm down, man! What do you mean its not my child?

Its Gods child. God? Whats with the surprise face? Everyone is a child of God.

You are too! Dont give me that look. Calm down! Do you know God?

Not in person. Nice meeting you. God needed a woman to be the mother of his child.

She needed to be a virgin, of course. And its being pretty hard to find virgins here in Galilee, Judea and all… But Mary is not a virgin anymore…

Joseph, Gabriel is talking. Dont be impolite! Go on, dear. No, now Im interested…

No, go on… Mary, is that true? You and God…

No, Joseph, of course not! No, Mary is good as new, ready to… Can we go outside to talk, just the two of us? Mary, seat down.

Joseph, lets go outside to talk by the river, youll wash your face… And leave those two alone? Fuck, no!

Then hell try to do it again! Hold on! Then well come with some twins talk. Now I need twins!

Listen, itll be an only child. Here are the papers, its a male, a man. An only child, hell be born on December 25, Christmas time, a nice time to be born… Take your hands off her! Take your hands off her or Ill smack you in the face!

Stop! Stop! I would not lift a finger for you, dear. Calm down, honey!

Im fine. She was talking to me! She was talking to him. Hold on.

And Ill talk to you later! Hold on! Heads will roll here!

Joseph… Joseph, dont pull that off, we know you well. Pull yourself together. Cut us some slack, Joseph.

Do I look like a clown? No… Am I a cuckold now? Hey, Joseph… Its God.

He can get you pregnant if he wants. Would you rather, Joseph? Would you, Joseph? No, you wouldnt. Who would ever?

Will people know about this? The whole point is everyone to know that forever. Yeah… This is going to fuck me at the shop…

I wouldnt want to be in your shoes… No ones gonna believe this. Dear, relax.

People believe in anything. Trust me. Ho ho ho. I am Santa… I am Santa Claus.

As I was saying, I am Santa Claus. Ho ho ho. And this is Porta dos Fundos Christmas special. Im working at the mall from Monday to Tuesday, at 6 PM.

For you to take that cool picture for 28 Reais. Call your daddy and grandma, but if they dont wanna go, take some money from your mothers wallet and take a bus here. Now Im gonna read the letter from our friend Pedrinho.

Lets see if hes been a good boy this year. Dear Santa, my name is Pedro, Im 28 years old and Im unemployed. I have learning disabilities, my family has abandoned me, I live as a favor at a public servants apartment in Copacabana… who asks me for sexual favors in exchange for the rent. Ive even written to Luciano Huck, but no one wants to help me.

I can only hope youll help me. Please, save me! Well, Pedrinho, Santa can give you a toy car. Its the only thing I can do.

Well, thats all. Thats all I can do. DID YOU BRING A GIFT? CASPAR Guys, are you sure its here? Its kinda weird here, the place is a little dead, I dont know.

I think were the first to arrive. Balthasar, Balthasar, spruce up. You look like a bum. Did you bring a gift? Did everyone bring a gift?

My gift is here. Caspar, what are you gonna give Jesus? Im gonna give him frankincense. What are you giving him?

Myrrh. Myrrh. Im gonna give him myrrh. Myrrh.

And you, Balthasar? What are you gonna give him? Im gonna give him gold.

What? Its a splurge gift for the boy. Gold? Gold. Where did you find that gold, Balthasar?

What do you mean? Its the gold I had. That you had…

You had gold up for grabs at home? Full of gold? Its my gold.

Whats the matter? What? Weve been selling all our silverware just to keep up appearances… Half of this is costume jewelry and youve been keeping all of this gold at home, Balthasar?

Baltha, Baltha… What? Whats wrong with me having gold at home? Let me see that, Balthasar. Let me see whats inside the box.

I told you that theres gold. Theres a chain necklace, a bracelet… Ive just told I had those.

Its family heirloom, you can check it out. That ring, you see? It has my mothers name. Is this a gold tooth, Balthasar? Thats my grandfathers gold tooth.

But your grandfather is still alive, Balthasar. Its the one on my mothers side. Cant I have another grandfather? Hey, Caspar. Werent you looking for this watch last week?

This stuff is mine. That stuff is not yours. Excuse me, I bought that with my own money. Just because it shows the time it doesnt mean its the same.

Wheres the receipt? What receipt? Wheres the receipt? Why would I bring a gift with a receipt? Wheres the receipt?

Who carries a receipt? Excuse me, thats all mine. Oh, damn! The police, the police! Lets go, lets go!

Relax, I can prove this is all mine. Its just that this is not exactly myrrh. Swallow it!

Hide it! Swallow it! Lets go, lets go!

Who havent ever hooked up with a call girl, right kids? Ho ho ho! Even myself, old like I am, still take little breaks from my marriage. Well, today I hooked up with Gleice, Toulons saleslady, in the fitting room and…

Oh, Mrs. Claus is calling. Hey, Sheila. No, Im working.

No, theres no one here, damn it. Im making a article, its a gig, mind your own business, damn it. I dont know whos gonna pick Felipinho up from his swim class, its not my fucking problem!

I THINK I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE JOSEPH 7:8 Wow, this ravioli is amazing, mom. Its amazing. Thanks, son. It was made with love.

For you and for our guest. Oh, thanks! Its Mary Magdalene, right?

Yes. Jesus, shes very pretty, I liked her very much, congratulations. Oh, thanks. What do you do for a living, sweetie?

She works in human resources. In what company? Shes selfemployed, dad. Oh, Joseph too! Just like Joseph, like dad.

Practically, or am I? No, youre selfemployed. Practically. She doesnt know what that means. Shes selfemployed.

Funny, I think I know you from somewhere. Its impossible! Really? From where? Wow, its barely possible!

You have a familiar face, I know you. I just need to remember from where. Everyone tells me that. Everyone does. I have really common face, I dont know.

She has a common face. Im sure Ive seen you before. Wine, its wine! There was water in here, now its wine!

Oh, youre so playful! Get used to it. And its good wine!

Jesus is so playful. Did you used to live at Nile River Street with Aristides Spinola Street? I never lived there. But I used to work there. So thats probably it.

Where did you work? At that corner! She loves to cook, did you know that? Im always cooking my ass off!

Oh, the ass part I dont do. What you dont do? Hey, dad, tell her about the shop, she doesnt know how it works. Tell her, Joseph!

The shop is going well… Its going quite well. Our goal is to get a 29, were making lots crosses now, the guys from the Empire are buying crosses like crazy.

What a crazy world, right? Crosses! For what? Theyre buying it a lot. They must need them for something, right?

Yeah. But the sales have grown. Now, you didnt tell me how you two met.

It was during a stoning. What a thing! Whose?

Mine! Cast the first stone… Thats where I know you from!

Remember the first stone? The one that hit you in the temple? The one that got you a little dizzy?

The one the cut a bit open? That cut it open, remember? That spilled a little bit of blood? I do remember! Remember?

Im the one who cast it! I remember you! I was sure I knew you from somewhere!

This Roman Empire is so small! Right? Yeah, I told you! I was sure I knew you from somewhere!

Wow. Would you pass me the salt, dear? Sure. I dont know about you, folks.

But what I like the most about Christmas is the food. But I dont like that old panettone crap, with candied fruits and almonds. During Christmas in the North Pole my mother do what I say. Barbecue with pork, sausage and rump skirt, egg farofa, french fries… After all, Santa Claus must be chubby for the malls to hire him, right?

WE CALLED IT THE LAST SUPPER JESUS Hi. How are you? How are you? Do you have a reservation?

No… We didnt do it. Is that a problem?

How many are you? Were 13. 13.

Theres more people to come. 13? Yeah.

The waiting time will be about an hour, okay? Were very busy today. Seriously?

So many people on a Thursday? Its because every Thursday we offer double glasses of wine, so… Sweetie, do you know who youre talking to? Stop, stop. Who am I talking to?

Nobody. Im Jesus. And Im Marcela, nice to meet you.

No, hes Jesus of Nazareth. And Im Marcela from Judea. Yeah, but hes the son of God! Yeah, but hes not the owners son. So theres not much I can do.

You can do one thing: get us a table. Look what I can do for you. You can seat at the bar, order some appetizers…

No. Leave it to me. What do you think? Listen. Marcela, right?

Hows it going? I really need a table. Very much, you see? And a big one. Its a very special occasion.

Birthday? No, no! For Gods sake, its not a birthday! No, we…

Good evening, welcome to the tavern. Have a seat. But…

Why dont you do it next week? We could put your names… No, we cant. We called it the last supper because I wont be able to make it next week…

Dont say that, it brings negativity. Lets do this. Ill help you help me. What do you think?

Look. I can get you a table, all right? But its a table for 6 and in the back. No.

A table for 13 is impossible. No! Its not a table for 13, actually. Were 13, but the table must be for 26.

Yeah, because I would love it if we could seat on the same side. Its my thing, I think I have OCD. Have you thought about doing a picnic? No… Not good…

Jesus, is that you? Sandrinho? Yep! I recognized you by the tunic.

I love your OOTD! Have you hired a stylist now that youre big hit? I love your leather sandals. What kind of leather, camels?

I know that stuff. No, its actually cows. Youre on the organic hype. Me likey!

Have you eaten? No. Were having a little trouble to get a table. What?

Youre all with me! Get in, guys. Get them the VIP wristbands, please. Marcelas mother is the greatest PR in Judea, shes amazing.

Shes organizing the Dead Seas New Years Eve Party. Im gonna be at Farme de Amoedo street. Me likey!

Would you get everybody drinks? I got excited by Jesus! Get them blink drinks! Me likey!

Were back, folks. Now Id like to introduce you my dear gnome helper, Jurandir. Say hi to them, Jurandir. Sup?

Jurandir doesnt like kids, right, Jurandir? Do you think hes envy because they will grow and he wont? Who knows?

But hes here today to give you a little message. Tell them, Jurandir. Use condom. And stay away from drugs.

Except the legal ones. But check the rating first. ITS NOT GONNA HURT TIBERIUS Hey, and theres more to it.

Its too much work! Im gonna miss you guys, youre amazing, guys. Let me get finished here, Im crazy to go home. Whats up, Jesus?

Hi, are you Tiberius? I am Tiberius. Nice to meet you, Tiberius.

Its a great honor for me to work with you. My pleasure. Relax your hand. Just one question. Yeah.

How are gonna do this? Oh, I didnt… I didnt think about anything special. In one go, right? Yeah…

In one go. I do it the right way. Arent you gonna keep beating? What if you miss it?

No, Im a pro. All right, do it. All right? Yeah, do it. Lets do it?

Wait! I have a feeling its gonna hurt. Its not gonna hurt. Are you sure?

Jesus, look. Im lighthanded. Ive been doing this for a long time. Dont have a finer nail?

No, its a one size. Can I take a look? It looks a little dirty, right?

You think you could get it sterilized? No, its clean enough. Im afraid of getting tetanus. Lets do this.

Im gonna ask Dimas, whom I just nailed. Dimas! Dimas fell asleep.

Lets silence, we dont wanna wake Dimas up. I know it! Lets do on the three?

One, two… Hey! Wait! Do you think you have a bottle of wine back there?

Any kind of wine. J, theres a bottle on your right side. Stretch your arm… Where is it? I cant see it.

Hey! What? Hey, I saw what you were doing! I wasnt gonna do it! Distracting me to beat it when I wasnt seeing you.

I wasnt gonna beat it! Yes, you were. You have the nail and the hammer in hand.

I dont have the hammer in hand… Look. Im losing my patience with you.

Youre getting me extra work. You think Im one of your bitches? Why dont you hang me?

I cant hang you because I got this cross made specially for you. Arent you a 42? I am. The cross is a 42. Is this mahogany?

Im not sure if its mahogany. It smells like MDF. Its not MDF. Whenever you get me up its gonna get crooked.

It will be such a shame. You think your father is the only carpenter in town? Its not that Im afraid. I know about wood. When…

Oh my God, now what? A splinter! What happened there? A splinter?

Its stuck in the bottom! Hold on, Im gonna take it out. Let me see if I can. Done. Already?

Did it hurt? Youre so lighthanded! What did I tell you? You needed to make that scene? Do the other one!

Ho ho ho, thats all, folks. Its time to say goodbye. Note that during the rest of the year I work as a magician, do Bar Mitzvahs, I have a street dance group called XParty and every Tuesday I sing my own songs at the Northern Star testaurant in Pavuna. 574 Leigo Road. Next Tuesday theres gonna be a shrimp festival.

25.90, eat all you can. Thats all, folks. What kind of clinch did you put here?

The size of the clinch. I can see the knot of this wood is not good enough, here. Open you hand…

Hey, cant you hang me? Hang me. And also, you cant get a lot of sun for that to heal. And you should use some pomade on it. Use some pomade…

Im loving it, man! Isnt it written on my face? Now Id like to introduce… Oops, my bad.

Are you nervous? Relax… I dont know, I think I am… Maybe its Leos fault.

It was during a stoning. Oh, what a thing! What a good thing! How do you say it?

Shes selfemployed. Joseph, we need to talk. Joseph, its not your child. Excuse me?

Joseph, its not your child. Joseph, its not your child. Okay, lets do it all at once, its gonna work out.

Joseph, its not your child. What? You werent supposed to say it like this. Calm down, calm down! Calm down, stop!

What? I told you not to say it like this. Calm down! Stop, man!

React better! Joseph holding himself… You never said how you two met.

Oh, you never said… You… Werent you doing it on purpose, really? Really, I swear. But that I dont do.

No. Its Gods! Everyones Gods child! God? God!

God! Whos God? God. Jurandir doesnt like kids, right, Jurandir?

Shoot. Stay away from drugs, except… Santa Claus doesnt like… Tradução e legendas: Melissa Prado

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